I’m in a bit of a mood, so you’re about to be treated to a good old rant. Buckle in kids — as promised, Rachel’s got feelings.
I’ve long lost count of the number of times I’ve had people say things like “if you just pick the MFP entry for this food that has the lowest calories then you’ll be able to eat more”, “one dessert won’t kill you”, “I know you’re stopping at one glass of wine, so let me get you a bigger glass”, “your coach won’t know”, “but durian is a fruit and you can eat unlimited fruit right?” or “calories don’t count when you’re crossing timezones.”
Most of those statements aren’t flat out false (except for the calories across timezones — don’t be daft), but that’s not even the problem. The problem is that we constantly seem to be trying to find loopholes in systems that we’ve picked for ourselves, when…who do you think it is who ends up cheated of progress?
And with that, here’s a list of some really common ways I’ve seen idiots twist perfectly reasonable diet plans & eating styles into excuses to eat like idiotic trash pandas.
IIFYM: literally lives off Pop-Tarts and protein shakes, because do you even lift, brah? Wonders why he’s constipated, feels like death and isn’t making any gainzzz in the gym (spoiler: the complete lack of fibre- and micronutrient-rich produce), starts looking into supplementing with testosterone instead of you know consuming a wide variety of fruits and vegetables, consuming adequate good dietary fat, and getting enough sleep.
Intermittent Fasting: adheres religiously to the 16:8 fasting/feeding window because #insulinsensitivity, makes everyone meet up for an early dinner and smashes 3 large pizzas, speeding up to cram every last calorie in before the feeding window closes. Then 3-months later complains that IF is terrible for fat loss and that the internet lied to them.
Paleo/Primal Diet: doesn’t eat grains or legumes, but lives off ‘Paleo brownies’, coconut-flour tortillas, pork belly and incredibly high-fat cuts of steak (but it’s grass fed and organic, don’t worry).
Slow Carb Diet: “Tim Ferris said I need to have a ‘Cheat Day’ in order to balance out my hunger hormones, that skipping Cheat Days is bad for me especially if I’m a woman, and that I should eat as much as I want! He talks about bear claws and all sorts of other unholy pastries, so surely a 15,000 calorie day isn’t going to undo the deficit I was in during the week?” (AFAIK, Ferris never said you should eat as much as you can physically ingest in a 24-hour period, which is quite different from as much as you want. And if you’re in a ~3,000 calorie deficit over the first 6 days of the week, but eating more than 10,000 calories over your daily maintenance in that one cheat day? Well, you do the math.)
Ketogenic Diet: consumes 400+ calories before the day has even started via Bulletproof Coffee, because “it will suppress my appetite”. (Guess what, genius, so will a ~200 calorie fibre-rich breakfast of say berries, greek yoghurt and protein powder. Plus, you don’t have to wash a blender out.)
Veganism/Vegetarianism: consumes a high quantity of Sour Patch Kids, Twizzlers, Doritos, Smarties, Skittles, #plantbased cookies, chocolate and doughnuts. (You see where I’m going with this.) Probably also consumes negligible amounts of complete proteins and is deficient in B vitamins. “But I’m vegan, so I must be healthier, right?”
‘Clean’ Eating: doesn’t consume processed food, so goes to the movies and snacks of 200g of roasted almonds without any added salt!!! (guess what, that’s an easy 1,000 calories) instead of the popcorn that is what they really want (probably 250-350 calories, if they have a sensible amount). Abhors jam on toast (sugar is dirty! gluten is dirty!), so eats half a jar of all natural, additive-free, homemade nut butter balanced on a spoon. Prides themselves on making gluten-free, sugar-free, soy-free, dairy-free, no-cook ‘cheesecakes’, eats entire said ‘cheesecake’. (Real ‘clean’, also real caloric. PS: THAT IS NOT A CHEESECAKE.)
Carnivore Diet: … okay I’m just kidding. This is not a reasonable diet plan to follow — any diet plan that tells you that all fruits and vegetables are bad for you is ludicrous to start. So even if you’re doing it “right”, you’re already being ridiculous.
So — what’s the moral of the story, kids? Pick a plan that works for you, not the one that worked for Becky or Donald over in accounting. Whatever plan you pick that allows you to consume the appropriate amount of energy for your needs and goals can work, if it’s a style of eating that you at least somewhat enjoy and can sustain. If you are constantly looking for loopholes in your diet, you either aren’t really committed to it, or it probably isn’t the right strategy for you. You don’t have to nail it perfectly, but you do need the ability to be somewhat consistent, and if all you consistently are is idiotic, no prizes for guessing what kind of results you’re likely to have.
One final PSA: if you’re not currently dieting, or if you’ve found some way that works for you that happens to be different from someone else’s, don’t be an asshole to your friend who’s struggling with their diet either. Making this kind of change isn’t easy, and we’re all trying to find our own way and what works for us. The last thing anyone needs is to have a choir of devils on their shoulder pointing out every potential loophole for them. Or, if you do, don’t be surprised when you very quickly get bumped off the list of people they’re willing to ‘spend’ their days off-plan, or occasional ‘treat’ meals, with.